The hormones made me do it

Every time I am without my baby, I feel like some sort of double agent with a secret life. Especially on public transport I look around at my fellow passengers. None of them know what my life entails now. It’s as if I have a dirty little secret although my secret is far from shady.
My secret is that I have a sweet little baby boy at home with daddy. And that feeling makes me tremendously proud of myself and my life.

For me, the best bit of being out and about alone is actually being on public transport as I can listen to loud music and daydream. Hear me out - especially everyone without a child - you can not imagine that feeling. This is what freedom feels like.

First of all, I have to say that I love my child. But having a couple of hours to myself, away from the baby, gives you the feeling of being some sort of superhuman. Hormones are a funny thing that mess with your brain. 

The first time I went out alone was for work drinks. The whole evening I felt weird, only half listening to what people were saying because my mind was constantly screaming at me: "This is weird! I have a baby! I’m drinking! I’m wearing shoes without puke on!".  

I told everyone who said hello to me that it was my first night out right after a superficial how are you. I had two drinks and was drunk and knew when I had to get home. Well, actually, my pumping alarm told me it was time to pump and dump. Freedom has become a four-hour window. Enough for now. 

My most memorable outing, however, was actually going to the hairdresser. It was a bigger deal for me than the drinks. I had to express milk for both occasions and planned it like a military operation, but I now understand why it felt so much more liberating: because I did it for me. And for the sake of my split ends. Plus, I did not have to talk to colleagues.

"How have you been?" asks the hairdresser. I silently scream: "I‘ve given birth! I’m feeding nonstop! I’ve expressed just for this! I got off at the wrong stop on the way! Because I was listening to loud music! I daydreamed!!" What I actually reply: "Yeah, I’m good." #motherhood

— Laura Varriale (@LrVrrl) July 14, 2019

It’s superficial you say? Well fuck it, I needed that haircut.

And no, I did not cut my hair short. But I’ve got a fringe now. The hormones made me do it.