I’m settled now

I did it, I settled down. Sort of.

The hormones made me do it

Every time I am without my baby, I feel like some sort of double agent with a secret life. Especially on public transport I look around at my fellow passengers. None of them know what my life entails now. It’s as if I have a dirty little secret although my secret is far from shady.

The struggles of maternity leave

Summer’s here, daily park strolls, boozy pub meetings at lunchtime (once a week - let’s not get crazy here with the boozy boob).

Despite all this, one question that is constantly popping up at the moment is: “Am I enjoying this enough“?

With “this“ I don’t mean motherhood, I mean being on maternity leave. Motherhood is great - hard work yes, but as rewarding as it could possibly be.

I wouldn’t call myself a full-time mum. I actually despise that term. Why aren’t you considered as one when you’re working? You are always a full-time mum. You never stop to be one just because you spend the majority of the day working. Technically, yes I am a full-time mum, but I am also a woman, partner, travel enthusiast and a pathological Netflix streamer.

It’s almost half-time of my mat leave and that’s probably why I am having these thoughts. I don’t feel any guilt - yet - that I am going back to work full-time in a few months. It feels as if time has flown by, as if I left work yesterday and in that seemingly brief time life has changed completely. However, and here comes my problem, I still think too much about work and career prospects.

My work life is not on hold for me. It might be that I am on the younger side to have become a mum among my peers, but I do have the feeling that I need to assess, evaluate and stay in contact with work while cleaning my baby’s back from a poo-nami.

I have always had a problem switching off from work. And especially now, I see it as a burden. It’s rather the “I want to progress further when I come back“ than the “I feel left out“ feeling.

Most mums I know go back to work after a year - or have no plans to return at all. This has never been an option for me. Firstly, we are going to split parental leave and secondly, I see my career as a part of me that I could not give up for long.

My initial plan was to work in some projects while on leave as well. Ambitious me - screw that. Even if I have a couple of hours per day free - broken up in 25-minute intervals because babies are demanding - that is not enough to give you headspace to bring your mind to something.

So I really should take this time as a break from my job. But when I try to do this, my mind wanders to autumn and I imagine going back to work while all other mums continue to meet up for coffee, lunchtime wine and sensory classes. I won’t be able to do this and this gives me a feeling of missing out.

Regardless what you do, you can never win. I guess that’s motherhood, innit?

Beware of the border agent

„You alright?“ Asked the border force agent. „Yes,“ we said, cautiously.

It was the first time we returned to the UK as a family, weary of questions the agent would ask. 

For the border force, we are a mismatched family with different surnames and different nationalities within the family.

New environments

So. It’s done. The baby is here and I am overwhelmed, happy, anxious and feeling every emotion on the spectrum. Everything has changed, the world has been turned upside down. Our flat feels like a proper home. A home where a child lives. I have created a family and yet feel like someone who is too young for the responsibility. When I’m pushing the pram down the road, back in my pre-pregnancy clothes, sunglasses on, I wonder if this is all a dream that is going to end soon and the baby in front of me is just an accessory that I have to return after 28 days.

Brexit, Baby

Oh hello there. Yes, it’s been a minute.

Some of you will remember that I used to sporadically write about life as an Erasmus student in London, a reverse culture-shocked student/hanging-around-working-in-the-media-person in Berlin and as a journalist in Brighton.

So what happened? Apart from the obvious - Bowie’s death, the Referendum and Trump?